


Nothing to Heal

by DandysBoy



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-03 19:23:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13347861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DandysBoy/pseuds/DandysBoy
Summary: Armie finally realizes that what he had with Timothée wasn't just an affair.  It changed him and he's finally realized that he wants to keep what changed.





	1. Chapter 1

My beautiful Timmy.

Our summer together was an eternity, or so it seemed while we had it. When I remember it, I picture you biking ahead of me, watching your dark curls being whipped back by the wind. I see you with that intense look of concentration on your face as you confer with Luca before shooting a scene, your brow furrowed. I see you leaving the creek after a swim, rivulets of cool water running down your face and torso.

I love my wife, I love my family. But I love you, too, Timmy. I’ve never felt so divided, like there are two Armies now, one in the present and one in the past, stuck in that slice of blissful time and place where you became a new light, a new source of joy that outshined even the radiant Mediterranean sun. That Armie keeps calling out to me, constantly moving through my dreams, telling me that he deserves to be happy just as much as I do.

I wake up from another dream, covered in sweat and trying to catch my breath. It’s the same kind of dream every night. I’m watching myself with you, Tim. We’re walking through the cobbled streets of Crema, we’re biking, we’re swimming together. We’re “rehearsing,” kissing, exploring each other's body, making love. It’s bliss, but I see it in the dream as if it’s through a haze. There’s this terrible feeling of dread every time, the dread that time will erase these jewels of memory. The visions will get hazier and grainier, covered in a cloud of smoke that I won’t be able to break through. Eventually they will be gone. The other Armie will die.

I haven’t realized up to this point that I don’t want him to die. 

This distance between us is too much. It doesn’t matter how much we text or Face Time, if I can’t have your lips against mine, if I can’t touch your skin then it’s not nearly enough. "I miss you" over the phone means nothing compared to wrapping my arms around your lanky frame. When we’re together, we behave. We promised, at the end of summer, that our affair would stay in Europe. It was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had with someone, but we both deluded ourselves into thinking it was absolutely the right thing to do. The professional and practical and moral thing. At least…I did.

It’s not so bad, the behaving. Being with you as a co-star and friend and brother and “adult homie” is better than not being with you. If the curls at the back of your neck or your smooth throat or that beautiful smile cause my gaze to linger longer than it should, then it’s no big deal. If I take an extra long shower and jerk off to the memory of you blowing me in an alley, remembering the way you stared into my eyes so I could see that you were in no way innocent despite that boyish face, then I don’t think too much about it. I tell myself that you’re like a cold, Timmy, a bad cold that is going to take me some time to get over. That’s all. It will just pass with time.

Today I realize that I don’t want to get you out of my system. I’m infected and I have no interest in being cured.

I run my hand down my chest to feel the copious sweat and get out of bed gently so as not to wake Elizabeth. I go to the living room and sit on the couch, take my cell from the coffee table. Without thinking much about what I’m doing, I find myself calling you. It doesn’t hit me until the second ring that it’s 4am in New York.

“Hey, Armie!”

Your voice makes me smile, and I’m shocked to find that my eyes are brimming with tears. I don’t know if my voice is shaking when I answer. “What the hell are you doing up at this time?”

You laugh. “I think you stole my line. Why the hell are you calling me at this time?”

“Just thinking.”

“About what, buddy?” Your voice is tinged with concern. You know something’s up.

I pause. “Just missing you.”

“Well I miss you too-“

I interrupt you. “Missing your smile and your lips. Your kiss. Your body against mine, I felt like I could never get close enough to you. I miss you running all over that little corner of Italy, so much energy, while Luca yelled at you to put on sunscreen.”

I pause again and you fill in the silence. “Armie, please.”

“I miss being inside you. Making you shake and moan while I sucked hickeys into your neck that pissed off makeup. I miss you falling asleep in my arms. You’re so small, I felt like I was protecting everything that’s special about you just with my body, Little Timmy Tim.”

There are tears in your voice now, too. “I take offense to the small comment.”

I smile, but it’s fragile and sad. “Do you ever think about that summer?”

You pause this time, and I would wonder if you’d hung up if not for your breathing. “Every day, Armie. Every single day.”

I stifle a sob, the melancholy and joy and nostalgia and hope and fear is too much all jumbled together. I compose myself. “I can’t live without you, Timmy. I can’t do it. I know it’s complicated, and I know that Elizabeth will have conditions and you will, too. But I won’t make the same mistake Oliver did. I won't shut this door.”

You pause again, for another long space of time. When you speak your voice is soft. “Okay. I won't either. I promise."

And for now, “okay” is enough. There will be so much to work out in the morning, so much talking and coping and disagreeing and confusing convention-breaking. But for now, “okay” is more than enough.

Thank you, Timmy. Thank you for not killing this, us, that other Armie. I need you, and I need him. Thank you.


	2. Chapter 2

“Welcome back to your home away from home, Timmy," I say, trying to keep my tone breezy and assured despite the raw, vibrating anxiety at my nerve endings.

“I'm nervous, I feel like I've betrayed her,” you say, looking out the window as we pull up to the Hammer house.

“Don't be silly. Elizabeth loves you no matter what.”

You look at me, and I see the anxiety and doubt and fear. You don't believe this is going to work, but I know that you have hope, too. You promised me you'd try, and I know that means something. You wouldn't have said it otherwise.

I want to reach out and comfort you, but after the long and meaningful hug at the airport, you've avoided touching me. I'll take the hint. “I love you, Timmy. That's how we start, the rest is just setting the boundaries.”

You give me a small smile, and say, “okay.” I give you a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Let's do this.”

 

“So good to see you again, Timmy, and I mean that,” my Liz says, hugging you in the living room. I know she's happy to see you, as if there was no extremely odd and possibly awkward conversation about polyamory just moments away from beginning. Elizabeth is the genuine article. When she loves someone, she doesn’t ever hold back or apply conditions. She adores you, Timothée.

“It's good to see you, Elizabeth,” you say politely.

“Have a seat, babe. Armie will poor us some wine and then we can talk about you being my husband’s boyfriend.”

You look so stunned by Elizabeth's bluntness that for a moment I wonder if you're going to run out the door. Then, to my surprise and Liz’s pleasure, you start laughing. Elizabeth giggles along as well. “Breaking the ice has always been my forte.”

This twist flusters me. I go to the kitchen and retrieve a bottle of Pinot Grigio, something light. I pour a couple glasses and look down into the sink. I hear you both chatting in the next room. I let the anxiety envelop me for a few moments. This is surreal, having two people I love romantically in my house, no secrets between any of us.

I told myself that I would accept whatever Liz had to say, but the moment I saw you in your purple tank top at the airport, I knew that I’d resort to begging if needed. Having my arms around you for the first time in so long, in an embrace that communicated longing and belonging instead of just camaraderie, was like coming home from a long pilgrimage. You fit, Timmy. This has to work.

I re-enter the living room and see that you look much more relaxed now, it makes me glad to see it. I hand you both wine and then sit next to Liz, across from you. You look determined now, ready to do business.

“I want to say first, Tim, that my husband is in love with you. He called me every day that summer and all he could talk about was the film and you. It took one phone call for me to realize what was happening. It wasn't long before he was asking me for permission to…well…fuck you-“

You nearly spit out your wine at that one.

“-and I granted it. My love for Armie and his love for me is strong enough to survive an affair with a teenager. But it wasn't just an affair for him, it hasn't gone away since he returned. You changed him, you and Call Me By Your Name.”

I look to my wife as if I've never seen her before. I'm sure I've given her bits and pieces of all this information before, but we've never talked so frankly about all of it. The security she has in herself, in our marriage, the insights she has into my soul all equal up to what I love most about her. That tranquil constancy that I need by my side, forever.

You take Elizabeth's last comment as chastising. “I didn't change anything on purpose. I never meant to do this to you.”

“You misunderstand me, Tim. Armie changed in the best way possible. That summer, when I visited him on set, he was so vivacious and seemed so young. He was living in the moment and so proud to be creating something, especially with you by his side.”

I look into your eyes and you look into mine for a moment or two. It's like Elizabeth is speaking through me, and I want you to know it. I want you to see that everything she's saying is true.

“You may be surprised to find, Timmy, that I was happy for him. I truly was. Armie’s happiness is my own, his happiness means security for my family and a home that our children can be proud of. I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't wish this would fade away, that part of me still does. But I will give this to Armie, for all of us.”

I lean over and kiss Elizabeth, then turn to you and smile. “Isn't she an angel, Tim?”

“Yes,” you whisper, a look of almost childlike awe on your face.

“I want you to think about one thing though, Tim, and really think about it. You're about to be a well known celebrity, which is a strange life in itself. I want you to really consider whether this is the right choice for you, and only consider your own future.”

I look between you and Liz. “Liz, don't you think-“

She cuts me off. “Timothée has a right to think this through, darling. What we’re asking of him, whether he wants it or not, is to make a choice that will force all of us into a closet. I've made my peace with it, you clearly want it no matter the inconvenience, but Tim needs to balance this out for himself.”

A low burning fear licks its way up my spine as I look to you. You look shy almost, and it’s heartbreakingly gorgeous. “It's all I've been thinking about. I love you both, and I've missed being with Armie so much, but there's still a part of me that sees this all as being so unrealistic.”

I open my mouth to speak, but contain myself when Liz silences me with a look. You continue. “I want to try, though, I want to see where this road goes. I haven't stopped thinking about what that summer means to me, and I'm not ready to give it up yet.”

Elizabeth smiles, and if it's the tiniest bit exhausted and sad, then she pulls it off like a Best Actress. “Then that's that. I love you both, and you both have my blessing.” She kisses me before standing and pulling you up into a hug. She whispers something into your ear and you hug her tighter. Blessed relief cascades through me with a hesitant elation close behind.

Liz faces us both. “Now I'm going to Texas with Harper for a few days, I have some business and will let you both have the house, catch up on your feelings and fucking and all that.”

You blush and it’s so damn cute, I can't wait to see your face flushed with pleasure. “Oh, please don't, I feel like I'm kicking you out somehow,” you say.

“But you’re not, Tim. I have a key. I could barge in at any time on something that I’d probably enjoy watching, if I'm gonna be honest.” Your blush deepens.

I like this new mood, so much tension swept away so easily by my wife. “You naughty bitch,” I chime in. Liz points a finger at me. “Don't call your wife a bitch. And don't even think about a threesome, just thought I’d take that off the table asap.”

You’re so beautiful, Timmy, as you groan and hide your face in your hands. We both have a good natured giggle at your expense.

 

Later in the night, after Liz and Harper have left and you and me have enjoyed takeout mostly in a companionable silence, we’re sitting on the couch. I finally turn to you, ready to engage with the mellow sexual tension that’s been growing between us. “Come here, sweet man.”

I feel like I've waited an eternity to have my arms around you. You settle in my lap, the back of your head against my shoulder. I wrap you tight and kiss your neck. I'm at once giddy and quite calm. Just by being here in my arms you've returned that other Armie to me. I'm whole. I play with your curly hair and then you lean back and kiss me, slow and sweet, passion slowly building instead of rushing. It doesn't matter which one of us says it, we'll both say it many times before the weekend is over. “I love you.”


	3. Chapter 3

The sex we have that night is a rediscovery, a realization that neither of us forgot anything about each other's body since leaving Europe and suffering through the well-intentioned but foolish interlude between then and now.

You still like to let your fingers curl up and lightly pull on my chest hair, and I still love fucking you from behind so I can bury my nose in the dark curls at the back of your neck.

You still stare right at me when you take me in your mouth, as if you’re daring me to think of you as too young and innocent. I still love nipping at and sucking on your throat while you buck under me, so sensitive and just on the edge of telling me it’s too much.

We take our time, back in our fantasy of eternity where the outside world seems so far away and irrelevant. It could be summer again, we could be in Crema. Time and space have no meaning when I'm with you like this, Timothée.

I'm on top of you now. You feel so good around my cock, baby, but the real pleasure is watching your face as you get close to the edge. You bite your plump bottom lip, close your eyes and jerk yourself. I can't look away, I'm in awe.

“I've missed this so much, Timmy,” I can't help but say.

“I love you, Armie.” You murmur your next sentence, I only catch the end. “…if you stop.” I smile, picking up on the reference.

“Not gonna stop. Please look at me, beautiful.”

You do, open your eyes and look up into mine, that almost angelic face surrounded by dark wavy hair. You're panting with the growing pleasure.

I change the pace, fuck you nice and slow and lean down. A whining moan starts in your throat as our lips meet in a tender kiss. You’re coming and I'm coming, your pleasure is mine and mine is yours. It's endless, purifying, transcendent and so fucking hot.

 

We're spooning in bed, winding down from our rather odd day and weakly battling sleep to savor this small share of intimacy granted to us. I rub one hand over your belly and the other is next to your mouth. Every once in a while you suck and lightly nip at one of my fingers.

The important conversation with Liz is finished and went surprisingly well, but there's still a few more things I have to say before I stop talking about concerns that could change your mind and just focus on making you happy.

“If you were to find a girlfriend or even a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be upset if you wanted this to end."

You are perfectly still as you listen. I know you've been thinking about this, too, wondering how I’d take it if you found someone.

I continue. “I know this can't seem like a really great bargain, this secret boyfriend arrangement.”

You interrupt. “I'm with you, and that makes me happy.” I wait, sensing you're going to say more. “I have to admit, though, I almost didn't come, even after I promised you. I didn't know if I could deal with the disappointment of losing you again…the end does seem inevitable.” You whisper this last part, and I can hear the echoes of the pain you must've felt after Europe. A part of me always wondered if you were having an easier time, were more talented than me at compartmentalizing the circumstances of the film from real life.

A small piece of my heart breaks to even hear mention of the end from you, even though I started it. “Why did you come, then?”

“I thought about Elio, and how much time he wasted because he was afraid of pain. I don't want to regret not giving this a try. I'm happy and I like seeing you that way, and that makes it worth the risk.“

I’m almost whispering, too. “I don't blame you for feeling like it has to end. But I can tell you that right now, it doesn't feel like it's going to end for me.”

“I feel the same. I can't really imagine wanting someone else,”you agree, kissing the palm of my hand. “Maybe for now, we can just live in this moment, like we did in Italy.”

“That sounds good to me, gorgeous man.” I turn your head gently toward me and drink down your kiss, this small infinity. 

After a meaningful pause, you turn over and add, "Don't kid yourself. You'd be possessive as hell if you even thought I might have a boyfriend."

I laugh softly. "You definitely have a point there." I add softly, "I'd do whatever it took to change your mind."

You like that idea, smiling and nuzzling against my neck. We hold each other tight, mellow and sleepy. And for now, it's enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more to go! I know this one's short, but it feels too complete to add to. Thanks everyone for the positive comments so far and always feel free to leave me a note!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say if you haven't read Call Me By Your Name, you're missing out. It's an amazing book.
> 
> I really enjoy Armie Hammer and Timothée Chalamet. I think they brought a lot of respect to their roles and it was appreciated...plus they're really pretty and seem to genuinely like one another.
> 
> But I think, besides loving the movie and the passion both actors clearly have for it, I wrote this to sort of therapize myself after the book. It stings pretty bad, but I don't want to write any fanfiction about Elio and Oliver. Aciman already made it perfect and I just don't think it can be touched. Charmie is the only alternative.

It’s spring. Liz and I are setting up a nice lunch outside to celebrate the break in stormy weather. You’re inside taking a shower after I let you sleep in this morning. I stealthily entered you room and played with your cute ass until you woke. Then I fucked you hard and you begged me to drive into you as hard as I could until coming inside. You’re insatiable, Timmy. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough…I hope you feel the same. That redundant slithering tendril of doubt enters my consciousness yet again. I can't seem to smash it.

Elizabeth snaps me out of this repetition of faint fear with a surprisingly related thought, or maybe not so surprisingly. She can read me like an open book. “You know, Tim and I were talking last night while you were on the phone, and he asked me how long I would tolerate you and him together. I think he’s still waiting for me to change my mind, he’s still so unconfident.”

“What did you tell him?”

“That I’m happy with this arrangement, a lot happier than I thought I’d be. Tim is our family now. Don’t you agree, love? Aren’t you happy?”

I put down the plate I’m holding and wrap her in my arms. My face almost hurts I’m smiling so big. “So, so happy.” I kiss her.

“Good, then any doubts we have are insignificant, right Armie?”

My smile somehow gets bigger, and that little doubt follows her direction and suddenly shrinks into near nothingness. “Right.” I kiss her again. “How did I get so lucky to find someone like you?”

You unknowingly interrupt our little moment. I turn around and keep Liz in the circle of my arms and admire you in your bathing suit. “Hey, sexy, how does your ass feel?” You roll your eyes and barely blush, a big step for you compared to when this first started and any mention of sex around Elizabeth had you so warm in the face you’d often have to step outside for fresh air.

Elizabeth gives me a light slap on the shoulder and moves to finish setting up lunch. “What a pig. Sit down, darling. Armie made us lunch.”

You take a seat. “What’s with the royal treatment today?”

“No big deal,” I answer, “just want you to enjoy a little more peace before your relative anonymity disappears when everyone falls in love with Elio.”

“Still don’t know how I feel about the idea of being famous, even if it’s only temporary.”

“Get used to it, buddy,” I warn. “I still don’t know how I feel about it most of the time.”

“You’ll have us, Tim,” Elizabeth says. “If you ever need a break, you’re welcome here.”

“Well I wouldn’t want to just intrude any time,” you say, that self-deprecating crap again. I’m surprised to find myself a little annoyed by it.

“Well it’s not intruding if you text ahead and we always say yes,” Liz answers, amused.

I interrupt, more anger and passion in my voice than any of us are expecting. “You’re never intruding, Tim. You’re not just some guest here that we invite over every once in a while when I want to fuck a guy. You’re our family, and you will be as long as you want to be a part of it. I want to make you happy, it makes me happy, too, so stop thinking you’re just some fuck toy or the co-star I can’t seem to get rid of.”

Your face goes from surprised to a mixture of shame and gratitude. I know I’m blushing now at my little outburst, half-wishing I hadn’t said anything and certainly not in the tone I used.

“I am happy. You make me happy, Armie.” Your voice is so small and your cheeks are burning.

I don’t know what to say now. Liz lets the silence continue for a few more moments and then reaches out and puts her hand on yours. “That’s our Armie. Always letting his emotions explode suddenly like a macho jackass.”

I smile and give her a look of gratitude while you huff a laugh and smirk fondly. She continues, “Now let’s eat, I want to judge your cooking.”

I lean over impulsively and give you a passionate kiss, pouring into it my desire and resolve. I see Liz out of the corner of my eye, pretending to look away. This is as close to the man-on-man action that she ever lets herself get. She’d never admit it and I’d never ask, but I know for a fact that this turns her on. Looks like I’ll be getting laid for the entire rest of the day.

I pull away and am happy to see you looking content as you put a Monte Cristo on you plate and pour yourself a glass of wine.

I stand, half-hard and on display through my khaki shorts. “Threesome, anyone?”

Elizabeth rolls her eyes hard. “Sit down before I have to hit you for embarrassing me in front of my favorite sister wife.”

You crack up at this, and neither of us can help but match your infectious laughter as I resume sitting.

Harper interrupts our chuckling with a cry from her bedroom, done napping while her favorite people enjoy themselves outside. “I’ll get her,” Elizabeth volunteers.

We have a few moments alone. You look at me and I look at you. I feel the tranquility inside of me and see it reflected in your eyes. I thank whoever is listening for this peaceful day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do believe this is the end. I might write a few companion pieces, but I'm pretty satisfied with it for now. Thanks for all the positive comments and always feel free to leave a note!


End file.
